Going.....Going......GONE!!

I’ve spent the last 3 days sitting in a hotel in Kinshasa, reflecting on what an amazing experience the previous six weeks has been. Realizing I’ve been able to go places, meet people, and do things most will never do (especially in my job), and for that, I feel truly fortunate. The last week in Kole had ended so abruptly, I barely realized it was over as I observed the lush expanse of dense tropical foliage pass from ten thousand feet above. As my final few days closed in, the people I had lived and worked with for the last month and a half had stopped me at every chance to say ‘good bye’ and ‘thank you’ though the pleasure was definitely all mine. We had exchanged gifts after the other crew arrived with supplies from the states and though I think they felt the same, I believe I received undeservedly greater endowments. Most of my time was spent getting my two proxies exposed to the duties and routines and I felt like I was neglecting my social responsibilities.

The lab staff had pulled me aside and took turns delivering sentiments that made leaving all that more cheerless but made me more grateful to have been out here. I felt like a veteran of the Congo as the new arrivals looked on in disbelief at some of the things that I first marveled at, and still do. I caught myself saying trite phrases like ‘oh yeah, it does that all the time’ and ‘yeah, you’ll see a lot of that’ or, my favorite…’good question!’ Some things just defied explanation…

e.g. “Where does that go?” referring to a mysterious 6 inch pipe in the center courtyard of the hospital, down which EVERYTHING is dumped….EVERYTHING!!!

Some things out here are better left unrequited; you might regret finding the answer!

On the lighter side, we had a rep from the pharma company, Doug, who came out. He was very cool and we hung out most of the time and discussed all manner of issues. He got to go to a ‘Fisherman’s Festival’ at the river and observe demonstrations of different fishing techniques. Then, they motioned to him to go haul a line out of the water, which, on the other end, was attached a crocodile! I was very envious after seeing the pictures. Here less than a week and gets to reel in a crock! Not fair…..

We made a few stops on the way back to Kinshasa. One was to pick up a couple of ailing Swedish Missionaries who were in a very remote village and delivered them to an adjacent parish for care. Then we had to stop and refuel, lest we hike the remainder of the journey.

On a note of personal growth (or sheer stupidity) I have noticed a HUGE difference in my demeanor on my return to the Memling Hotel. I felt relaxed walking the streets downtown and going into the shops and stores, having picked up a decent amount of language and exposure of the culture. I can say I NEVER would have done that when I was here that first night. I debated even coming out of my room for food. Now, I have been walking around, eating at the local cantinas and bickering with street merchants. We have been out working in the counterpart to USAMRIID here waiting for our flight and when we were short a vehicle to return to our hotel, we commandeered a WHO (World Health Organization) truck. Didn’t think they’d miss it for a few hours. I decided I’d have a better vantage point if I rode back in the bed of the pick-up. I will say there aren’t many cowboy hat sporting white guys here, so I drew a little attention. Doug said I looked like the spitting image movie stereotype of an undercover CIA agent trying to ‘blend in’. Obviously not so covert if I looked like that, but no worries.

I’ll be back home in about 48 hours, and I’m already scheming for my second tour.

Alas, we meet again...

A few technical issues and other odd occurrences have arisen over the past few days and I am able to sit and catch up. I have surmised that the internet, maybe technology as a whole, hates me, and entertains itself by going to extreme lengths to belittle and enrage me. At least, that's how I see it. The other possibility is that I have been here too long, ingesting things my body can't cope with properly, and I'm on my way to senility a bit early.
Either way, it prevents me from sleeping, I think. At the risk of having a mental health professional meet me at the plane instead of my family, I wanted to give you a little taste, a morsel, of what happens inside my head every night when I close my eyes at the end of the day.

I have recurring dreams about:

1. My teeth falling out. I attribute this to the random bits of bone that accompany most meals. They look suspiciously dental in nature and I rigorously check my grill (teeth for the non-gangsters) for missing parts. None thus far, but the dreams get more and more traumatic.

2. Breaking bones. This is pretty routine and I'll attach it to the string of near misses I've had.

3. Eating stewed people heads. They were looking at me as I carved off a slice. Not so routine and a bit unnerving. I'll spare the graphic details, but I woke up in a cold sweat remembering the taste.

4. Watching a TV show...in real life. This one is harder to explain. If you can imagine watching a sitcom from inside the TV, like sitting on Seinfeld's couch instead of your own while you were watching it, something like that. That little episode raised questions as to what and how many pills I was taking when I called home after waking up at 3am. None.

5. Well.......I'm not going there. Needless to say, they are frequent and frustrating.

6. Probably the most interesting and the one likely to buy me a straight jacket and some tranquilizers was meeting my "Spiritual Guide". I know what you are thinking....who has the number to the in-patient ward....Let me delve into this one.
So after running through an amalgam of disambiguated scenes, I come to this....
Samuel L. Jackson sitting yoga style on a cloud (or mist, I wasn't sure). His eyes were closed, deep in thought, peaceful. Slowly, he looks at me, I can see his eyes focus and adjust to the light. He opens his mouth to speak, but the voice that comes out is not his, it is Bruce Lee's. I'm stunned. So I have Sam Jackson talking to me with Bruce Lee's voice. It's not like an overdub, it's natural. So he proceeds to tell me that he is my Spiritual Guide and he is laying a plan I am to follow...
"I want you to stay in the Army for 3 more years, you will go to Egypt and__"(I can't remember). He also proceeds to tell me to be good to people and a few other gems that escape me now. The only reason I remember the beginning is because (I think) I shot straight up out of bed and jotted it down. I found it on the floor when I woke up a few hours later.

So Bruce Jackson, Samuel L. Lee, whatever incarnate name you want to give him, visited me in my sleep and told me what the plan is.

What am I supposed to do with that?

The hour is nigh.....

Man oh man...my replacements will be here in 2 days, I'll be home in 2 weeks!
Don't misunderstand me, I've had a great time here, and hope to return, but I've grown weary of being the sideshow, the mendele, the osuku. I haven't eaten a meal, not one single meal, where some one (usually kids) doesn't park in front of the house and gawk. After I try to ignore them for a few minutes, they usually proceed to taunt me until I look up. Once they have my attention, they call for their friends, and the ritual repeats. I've taken to learning a few....stern...phrases in about 4 different languages. This guarantees that when I yell them consecutively, at least one is understood. If that doesn't work, our 'security' guy (he lives in the hut behind me) will chase them with a stick. I don't know that he has ever caught one, or could. I just need a break.

I've been busy tying up loose ends, working out as many problems as possible, and compiling what amounts to "The Idiot's Guide to Running A Remote Clinical Site". I'm attempting to mitigate the torrent of emails which will follow my departure so I can enjoy my leave in quiet. I think I'm reaching.....

I have done almost everything there is to do here, twice, with the exception of going on a hunt. I had arranged one, then found out it was on less than level terms and would have to be clandestine. Usually I'm all for that, but seeing as we could only get 2 bullets for the gun and would be going 80km into the jungle (away from everything), and if intercepted would need large amounts of cash to buy off the locals, officials, and other hunter, I opted out. I think everyone was relieved.

I did go about 90km (one way) to remote villages to look for patients. We were in a dry spell at the project. After finding a few, we reached the last village. For our troubles (we also delivered a tribal emissary), the chief gave us a chicken. He rode back strapped to the back of my bike (WHAT? Was I supposed to carry him?) and did NOT have a good time. I think it may have had a tenderizing effect because he was scrumptious!

Bored, I spent a day looking for the tallest structure in Kole so I could climb it. To my amazement, there was a 8-10 story (best guess) water tower by the catholic mission. So, I climbed it. My translator declined the offer to join me. True to form, someone noticed me, and a riot ensued. The crowd thinned out after I refused to descend and only a few onlookers were left. They decided to do a dance for me(see below)....strange.

Congolese Idol....

OK, not so much. But folks here LOVE to sing and dance (more so during the wee hours of the morning it seems).
The first video is of the people at the water tower. They almost fainted when I showed them the playback. I think it may have been the first time they had seen themselves on video..

The second was from 'Donors Day', where they celebrate and honor all the people who give blood. It was neat.....for the first 3 hours. As an honorary guest, I was placed front row center, with no hope for escape. I was accosted when I got up but explained if I didn't go pee, I'd pass out. Skeptical, they let me go. After I returned, I endured another hour and had to wake up the lower half of my body. I think I may also have some mild hearing loss. Enjoy!


They laid on that bullhorn for hours!

Best comeback EVER!

I laughed about this for an hour.... Every morning, as I get to work; I'm greeted by the groundskeeper who is this little 60 year-old man (though he looks 80). Every morning, I say 'Bonjour', and he says something back, and I say 'Oui, d'accord' (Yes, ok) So finally I ask my interpreter, what he is saying every morning.

T'shikala: He says to give him money.
Me: What, THAT's what he says every morning (now realizing the error of my response!)
T'shikala: Yes, and your cowboy hat.
Me: What, is he going to rob me? [laughing]
T'shikala: He says you have more.
Me: [joking] Tell him I can't, my wife spends it all!
T'shikala: He says ok, tell your wife to send him money!


***For having the best comeback ever, I'm sending him a cowboy hat!

Romancing the Stone...

Imagine I'm telling this story after a few beers, it'll be funnier...


So this guy came into the hospital the other day. Apparently, he was working in Lodja in the diamond mine and swallowed a rock the size of the the Hope Diamond (so he says) in an attempt to smuggle it out.....Well he starts getting belly pain, go figure, and wants the sister to excise that betty. So they take an x-ray, nothing! But he's in pain so they fillet his ass, still nothing! Then after he recovered, he demands his booty! When the sisters turn out empty pockets, he flips the script and goes, of all places, to the POLICE! He re-lives the adventure and his narrow escape (Indiana Jones style) and at the end of the tale, they arrest him!

THEN, he accuses the sisters of pinching the rock while he was under the knife, David Copperfield style! So the prosecutor wants the sister to alakazam and appear in Lodja, effectively shutting down the hospital. They say 'no dice' (exact words!) and he is heading here. What’s amazing is that they are entertaining this idiot that 'stole' the stone!


He probably lost it when he released the chocolate hostages!

Not this big, but you get the idea!